Wanting

Have you ever been so excited about something you wanted and then you got it and it was even better than you expected? This is a feeling I’ve been praying for for a while. I know the feelings of wanting something and getting it or even wanting something and not getting it, but this feeling of not wanting something, it becoming reality and learning to accept it and striving to want it, well, it is super hard for me. Full disclosure..... I’m going to be real, if you don’t like what I have to say that’s fine just keep it to yourself and if you must judge go for it, again keep it to yourself, I’ve already accepted that other peoples thoughts and judgements have nothing to do with me and everything to do with each individual and their own thoughts. Some weeks ago I found out I was pregnant, it was unexpected and devastating, I have 3 kids and had a miscarriage after my last and just felt like we were finished. I’m 36 years old and just felt really good about what I already have and love the family I have and want all that I have. No need to change it right?..... Wrong. Before officially finding out, I had a feeling, yep that happens to us women, we get these feelings. Anyway, i already started praying that I would be able to accept whatever the answer was and that I would know it was the lords will. I felt peace as I would pray, though it didn’t mean it was easy and automatic to just accept, but I never forget the peaceful feelings that come with confirmation and the love I feel from God in those moments, which is why I’m still a very spiritually strong individual. Moving forward, as I got the official answer I was terrified to tell my husband because in the past if that ever came up(more children) it was, let’s just say, a negative conversation topic. When I finally had courage and blurted it out another person was present, yep, that turned out to be a terrible way to tell him. So now as hormones are changing, they’re going every which way and I’m feeling sicker than I’ve ever felt and I can’t do anything the same as I had just weeks ago, I had to allow someone else their process. It seemed like forever.  I get the whole process of processing though, it’s huge, it’s life changing, and it’s devastating all at the same time so of coarse we all need our time. I gave him his time and space and when we finally both processed according to our own way and time I’m surprised to find out he’s actually a lot more accepting of it all then I was. He was actually getting excited much faster than I ever imagined and way faster than me. He started calling family and letting them know the news, when on my end I’m controlling who gets to know and who I confide in, which was really good for me by the way because the few people I did talk to were very compassionate and understanding and have even had or been close people who have had similar experiences, so I was able to connect differently then I anticipated, building special bonds that brought more love and trust. But back to my hubby, he even called my dad of all people, when he told me that i knew he was excited and I found it a little easier to start to be excited myself. I want to be on the same page and feel what he’s feeling, I want to want this. I'm not 100% there yet, I think it’s mostly because I’m so sick, exhausted and striving to look at my body in the positive way I used to look at it, but a little at a time I’m getting there. People congratulate me and I still don’t know how to respond. I’m at the stage where I’m not showing enough to officially tell I’m pregnant, but my body has obviously changed and my clothes don’t fit so it’s still a very hard place to be in. Some people may read this and think of their own struggle to even get pregnant and have children, they may think I’m an ungrateful soul, and that’s ok, because you have every right to feel and think the way you want to. I also have every right to feel and think how I want. I feel so much gratitude for what God has blessed me and my family with and I am grateful for this experience because I feel as though it has connected me more to myself and my real raw feelings, I don’t try to put on a front anymore, I don’t try to look like someone different, I used to pretend too much, I would shame myself for my thoughts or feelings and then I would try to be someone I wasn’t, I wanted to please others and would sacrifice my self care in the process. By accepting myself for who I am and how I feel it’s easier to accept others in the same way. I’m more real and more me than I’ve ever been and that is so liberating, it feels so good to not hide and to not judge myself as I have before. To see me the way God sees me, to see why this child chose me to be their mom and how I can prepare to be even better this time around. I feel empowered as I allow myself to think, to process, to feel and just be me during this time, I am choosing out of love and with a clear mind and heart which means I am much more intentional and all others’ opinions and views do not dictate my actions, I do. That is true authenticity. This is the me I want to be and want to keep working toward that better me in the future, I am becoming the mother, wife and woman I want to be and feel good being. I am still seeking opportunities to serve and provide value to the world and those I get to reach through my life and energy coaching business, it just looks different now than I had previously planned. I am wanting my life just the way it is, I want and love these experiences. To want what I already have shows how much I already appreciate it all. To want what is, but didn’t think I wanted is how I am becoming even more appreciative and then I recognize there’s so much more in store for myself and my family. I want to want what I didn’t know I wanted because I didn’t originally want it. Wanting, believing and being grateful for it all makes for a better life. This is the lesson I am still learning and the lesson that I have been learning. Whatever it is that you want if you align your belief to your desire/want, and show gratitude then you always have what you want and want what you already have! 

May your week be incredible! 

#fromhairtosoulcoaching #fromhairtosoul #lifebyemily #wanting #thisisme #meintheraw #trueauthenticity #gratitude #lessonsilearn